Everything. In my face.

I know plenty of things have been written, both in seriousness and in jest, about the trials and tribulations of being a stay-home-mom. I've heard everything from mind-numbing to fulfilling, from desperate housewives to dedicated homemakers.

The truth - actually, not THE truth, but A truth, which is to say, MY truth - is that being a stay home mom is wonderful and rewarding and I wouldn't want my life to be anything other than what it is right now. And, it can be pretty hard.

The hard thing for me (at least lately) is based on two simple facts. One, I will never be caught up on anything. And two, all the things I am never caught up on will always be staring me in the face. I live here, I work here, I even school my kids here, so the work, the laundry, the dishes, the cooking, the cleaning, the playing, the picking up, the everything is always right here.

In my face.

Maybe I have a slightly overactive imagination, but I'm pretty sure the laundry in my house has a personality and it likes to mock me. It isn't very nice. I walk into my room a dozen times a day and see the overflowing hampers and think, "Gee, I should really do one or two or thirty loads today." But I was walking through my room, not to pick up the book by my bedside table, curl up under the covers and read for a few hours, but to get something in order to do something else that really needs to be done. So in that moment, I have to pick between doing what I was there to do, or doing laundry. So the hamper stays.

In my face.

I walk through my kitchen a minimum of 800 times a day, as these growing children seem to need a constant stream of calories in order to maintain their skinny little selves. The dishes pile up, and I know I ought to take care of them, but something else always beckons. We were in the midst of painting a volcano or reading Pippi Longstocking or I promised them apples and milk. So the dishes stay.

In my face.

My day is made up of decisions - decisions of how to spend each moment. Do I get this done, or that? Do I spend time here, or over there? It all calls to me. It all needs to be finished. The bills need to be paid, and we all need clean clothes to wear and food to eat, and being able to walk without piercing your foot on a demon Lego piece is also nice. There is always, without fail, too much to do over the course of any given day, so all day long I am deciding, prioritizing and leaving things undone.

What I ought to do is focus on what I accomplished today. What DID get done. But do I do so? No, I don't. I run through my mental checklist of what should be finished, and always find things left undone. I'm fixated on the negative. And the knowledge that tomorrow will be more of the same - more things I won't get to, won't accomplish, won't finish - it wears me out.

I'm not sure what the solution is, really. As much as I love lists, I long ago stopped making checklists that included things like laundry, because you never, ever get to check it off as being done. I've tried being more organized, and I've tried letting it all go and purposefully being less organized. I suspect the key has something to do with embracing the chaos and the mess, and unfollowing everyone on my Pinterest feed that pins things about homemaking and organization.

What should I focus on, at the end of the day, when there are still lego sets on the dining table, a random pile of kid's clothes next to the couch (because Ella simply can't stay dressed in the same outfit for more than 10 minutes), and a myriad of other things that will be demanding my attention tomorrow?

Maybe things like this.

And this.

Or this.

This.

Even this.

And most certainly this.

 

 

Perhaps the measure of my success as a stay at home mother is not the state of my home, but the state of the relationships within it.

Now that is a thought I am going to take to bed with me tonight.

A few holiday confessions

I love this time of year. There is so much to love about Advent and Christmas, and from about Halloween onward, I feel like I'm in holiday mode. But I'm not one of those moms who seems all put together and ties everything with homemade bows and has a house full of Pinteresty decor.

With all the blog posts I'm seeing about great holiday crafts, unit studies and activities, I thought I'd go the other direction and keep it real up in here. Without further ado, or any ado at all, a few holiday confessions from my neck of the woods:

I haven't sent out Christmas cards in years
Usually I'm a traditionalist and I hate to see things change due to modernization or technology, but this is one I haven't kept up with. I love the idea of sending out an adorable photo of my kids to friends and loved ones, but I never wind up actually doing it. I have sent them out a few times since having kids, but not regularly and not in the last few years. I used to use the excuse that I had babies or toddlers and it was too much work. Now my kids are old enough that probably isn't such a good excuse. For now, I'll stay with "I'm keeping things simple." True enough.

Painting projects with my kids make me want to drink heavily
This isn't necessarily holiday related, but it seems like the requests for projects involving paint multiply this time of year. I so want to be that mom, who has arts and crafts going for her kids all the time, regardless of the mess (because my kids LOVE that stuff), and in some ways I am. I'm pretty free with the art supplies and David especially makes so many projects, I'm surprised we aren't buried in them. But getting the paint out always stresses me out. They painted ornaments recently and it was... trying. Maybe when Ella is older and less prone to getting paint all over herself and subsequently touching everything, it won't be so tension inducing. But for now, ugh.

I love to bake, but I rarely bake lots of cookies
This one is easy. If I make them, I eat them. Don't tell me that I can simply give them away, be a friendly neighbor and give away plates of cookies and all that. I would do that (and have, in the past), but it wouldn't stop me from eating my weight in sugar. There's that block of time from mixing bowl (because yum, cookie dough) to packaging for distribution and my willpower is exactly zero. Especially for my own baking. If I want to fit into my jeans by Christmas day, I can't spend a month baking dozens of cookies.

We buy too much stuff for our kids
Every year - every single year - we say we won't do it. We say we'll be more moderate, more mindful of our gift choices, and we won't go overboard. And every year, we still do. We are getting a lot better. Compared to some of those early Christmases as parents, we've scaled back. But there are far too many guilt inducing blog posts and articles out there, touting the merits of "simple," "thrifty," and "scaled down," Christmas giving. We certainly aren't extravagant compared to many people, but I always wind up feeling like we did too much. I'll go ahead and throw my husband under the bus on this one. This is clearly his fault. (OK, not totally.)

So what about you? Are you a shouter? A crier? A pouter? What's putting you on the naughty list this year?

For those of us who fail at chore charts

One of the bittersweet realities of parenting is that you're preparing your children to leave you. As much as I like to dream of them being little forever (and always thinking I'm the coolest person ever), they are going to grow up. And when they do, I'd like them to be able to take care of themselves.

This is one of those areas of life where what I believe in theory is often different than what happens in practice. I believe that kids should contribute to the running of the household in an age appropriate manner. I believe kids should learn to do things for themselves as they are able. I believe kids should have responsibilities and be helpful and do meaningful work in their home.

The biggest obstacle to achieving that with my kids is most certainly ME.

Yep. This girl, right here.

The best way, that I can envision, to make sure they know how to take care of themselves and contribute to the family in a meaningful way, is to be consistent. Come up with a system, or at least a set of expectations, and stick to it. Do it daily. Be more like that mom, who can keep her house beautifully clean with the help of her little minions, checking off their ten daily chores on their Pinterest-inspired, vintage, hand-made chore charts.

I fail at chore charts.

Why? Because I'm kinda lazy. I'm not great at being consistent with housework by myself, let alone when you add in the drama that comes with trying to make kids do it. And yet, I know I'm doing my kids a disservice by not making them do more around the house. I've even tried to tackle this problem before, and we did great for a while. The problem is, I get lazy and inconsistent and don't really want to deal with it, so I let it slide once in while. Once in a while turns into most of the time, which turns into they don't know what the word "chores" means anymore.

I've tried chore charts and stickers and magnets and rewards. The biggest problem with all of those things is, of course, me. I don't follow up with them. I don't check them off or move the magnet or make sure the kids pay attention to them. I love the idea of chore charts - they look so nice and organized! But I have yet to implement a system that we stick with for more than a couple of days.

Seriously, why do I suck at this?

I am also resisting the urge to tell myself that I'll make everything perfect after we move. It is a trap that is all too easy to fall into. "Once we're in the new house, I will completely overhaul our lives and everything will be organized and perfect and wonderful!" Riiiiiight. Are you forgetting the chaos of boxes and unpacking and for the love of all that is good, where is the white kitty with the pink collar because she won't go to sleep without it!

But I will not give up!

My mantra this year is "simple and real." I'm not trying to win any awards for "Most Amazing Homeschooling Mom." I just want to find ways to accomplish the things I think are important. One of those things is getting my kids to do chores. I don't expect them to love it, or flit cheerfully around with their Swiffer dusters and cleaning rags (although they do love those dusters, let me tell ya). I do expect them to help with the things that need to be done to have a nice home to live in. And that has to start with me.

Although I don't have a solid plan, here's what I know:

KISS: Keep it Simple, Stupid (that "stupid" is not directed at you, but squarely back at me). Fancy isn't going to get the job done around here, regardless of how nice it looks in photos. If I go with any kind of chore chart or routine, it needs to be simple.

Give the kids ownership: I think a solution that puts the responsibility for checking off their chores on the shoulders of the kids is the way to go. If I'm the one who has to keep up with what has been done, it won't happening consistently. Been there, done that. But maybe if they have a check box or a chore card to move, and it is their job to do it, they will actually, you know, do it.

Do chores together: This has been successful for us in the past, again, I just need to be consistent. Instead of assigning a bunch of separate chores, we all work together on something. It might be vacuuming, and we take turns with the vacuum while the others move things out of the way. The kids actually like cleaning bathrooms, with their squirt bottles of a water/vinegar solution; another thing we can work on together. There's a nice sense of working as a team that occurs if we tackle a chore as a group, rather than sending them off to do separate things. It also cuts down on the whining, negotiating, and "It isn't faaaaaiiiiiir!" that comes with assigning separate chores.

Take it slow: Better habits won't be built all at once. We can start with just one thing when we get settled in the new house. That will probably be having the boys help empty the dishwasher. Once that becomes routine, we can add something else - whatever else is simple to implement and will have an impact on our daily life. But slow and steady will build good habits - a big overhaul won't have staying power.

So what works in your home to get the kids helping, and keep things running smoothly? You know, aside from the cleaning and laundry fairy, who consistently shuns my house. No amount of clapping and chanting, "I do believe in fairies!" seems to bring her here.

If you can't "do it all" - do some well

I'm not afraid to be honest about how I don't do it all, and how in some things, I actually fail rather miserably. In fact, at this very moment, I have yet another pile of unfolded laundry, mocking me from behind my desk (I'll spare you the photographic evidence). Perhaps it is somewhat hilarious that my thoughts this morning have wandered to writing about, "how to keep up with things," but in an effort to at least partially redeem myself, I offer these tidbits of wisdom.

(Wisdom? I suppose that will be debatable.)

If your life is as busy as mine, and if you have kids I'd venture to guess it is (whether you educate at home or send them to school), and the little details of life can pile up and feel overwhelming. From the literal piles of laundry and clutter, to the more figurative piles of responsibility for nurturing a family, we shoulder a lot. And if you work outside the home, my hat is off to you, because I remember wandering into my house after a long day at work and thinking, "I don't know how I would do this if I had children," just before plunking my butt on the couch and flipping channels because anything else seemed to require too Herculean an effort.

That said, life still happens, clutter, laundry and dishes happen, and those kids seem to want to eat multiple times a day (seriously, what's up with that - like they are growing or something?). So what's a busy mom to do? Here are a few of my tips for not drowning in the sea of to-do lists and tasks that threaten to overwhelm the day to day life of a busy mom (or dad!).

1. Let some of it go. My laundry pile? I let it go. I know I will get to it eventually, and in the meantime, at least we all have clean clothes to wear. Whether it is leaving the dishes overnight, the stack of papers and mail on the kitchen counter, or a floor that could probably use some attention - sometimes it just isn't going to happen. And that's ok. Unless you have someone coming to your house who will run white-gloved fingers across your mantle, checking for dust, chalk it up to your house being "lived in" and let some of it go.

Don't ever do this at my house. Seriously.

2. On the other hand, prioritize what matters to you. I don't want to live in a sh*t hole any more than the next gal. At some point, stuff's just gotta get done. If having a clean kitchen is what makes you calm, do that first. If the laundry neatly folded and put away makes you happy, make sure that gets done. If you can't stand clutter, keep up with it. Make the things that have the biggest impact on YOUR state of calm and happiness a priority and keep those things in check.

3. Consider the needs of your husband and family. (If you have a husband and family, obviously). One thing that has helped keep me from drowning is knowing what is important to my husband. In our case, he hardly notices if there are toys scattered around and doesn't really care if he has to fish for his clothes in a laundry basket. It is far more important to him that he has good food to eat. So I know that if I have to choose between getting something clean and making dinner, dinner always wins. I do my best to prioritize food shopping and cooking so I know I can throw together a decent meal, even at the expense of other things. When you can't do it all, do the important things well, and the rest will catch up eventually.

When in doubt, cook something with bacon

4. Don't be afraid to value nurturing your family. This is probably the most important piece of the puzzle, honestly. When I first quit my job after having my oldest, I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder about being a stay-home mom. I was quick to point out that I still worked part time from home, even though it was (and still is) a very small part of what I do all day. I was quick to say I "didn't quit my job to be a maid, I quit to be a mom." It took me a while to realize that the mundane tasks of running a home are actually incredibly valuable. Creating order out of chaos, providing nourishing and comforting food, even just keeping up with the daily tasks of life - they all create a home that we all want to live in. Home should be our safe place, the place where we want to be. It is the cornerstone of our family, the place where we gather, rest, play, and enjoy each other's company. Maintaining a home that is comforting, peaceful and just generally a nice place to be is an enormous gift to my family. Whether or not "society" agrees is largely irrelevant. And having that kind of home doesn't mean everything is spotless and perfect. It means that the work I do, even when it is just scrubbing toilets or reading "Green Eggs and Ham" for the zillionth time, or throwing together something for dinner - that work has value. It means something to my family, whether they know it consciously or not, and nurturing them is important and fulfilling.

Bottom line? Prioritize, get done what you can, and always keep in mind that you have the privilege of nurturing your family.

And when in doubt, make cookies. Cookies make every mom a rockstar.

Love on a plate.

Five ways in which I do NOT "do it all"

Once in a while, people ask me, "How do you do it all?" My off the cuff response is usually to laugh it off and say I don't really do it all, and it isn't that big of a deal. Or I make some joke about drinking a lot of wine.


Wine is not the answer. Wine is the question. The answer is yes.

The truth is, I do have a lot going on. But that doesn't necessarily mean I do it "all." There are a lot of things I definitely don't do, at least not very well. And lest somebody get the impression that I am one of those crazy supermoms who manages to achieve a perfect zen-like balance in all things in life (who are like R.O.U.S's - I don't think they exist), and in the spirit of keeping my internet personality real, here are five ways in which I suck big time:

1. About 90% of the time, all our clean clothes are in a big heap on the floor. Sometimes there's a basket at the bottom of it, which starts out as just a load or two of clean laundry needing to be folded and put away. But I don't get it done, and then I have to do more loads of laundry, and they get piled up on top. And so it goes until I have this enormous laundry monster that I swear is breeding (although it certainly doesn't breed anything cute in my size), and I'm so overwhelmed by the amount of work it is going to take to get it all put away that I ignore it for about two more days, and several subsequent loads of laundry. More often than not, we spend our mornings sifting through the pile for something clean. The kids actually forget they even have clothes in their closet, because most of the time, they are rooting around on my floor for their underwear. (Points for it being clean though?)



This is a real picture. From my house. Please excuse me while I hang my head in shame.

2. We live with a lot of clutter. I walk by things, think about the fact that they really need to be put away, can't be bothered to do it right that second, and move on. I see the same item (ok, stack of random crap) later, have the same thought and continue to walk by, leaving it there. I remember this one time I got all inspired after reading some article about organizational crap on pinterest and made a focused effort to not do that - to pick up the thing, and put it away, right then. I didn't leave junk on the stairs; I stopped, bent over, and picked it up, and deposited it neatly where it belonged on my way to do something else. It kept my house neater for about two days, then I got lazy again. I like to say my house is "lived in," but I have friends that do the same amount of livin' and their houses don't look like there is a daily tornado.

3. I basically suck at housework. I know I already covered laundry and clutter, but if I'm being honest, the whole "keeping house" thing tends to fall by the wayside first. Dishes sit in the sink, the only reason things get dusted occasionally is because that is the boys' favorite chore (they love those Swiffer dusters), floors get cleaned only when they are visibly dirty, and don't even get me started on the state of our weed-infested yard. By the afternoon, when I'm feeling burnt out from working with the kids all day, I have a few options - clean something, put something away, do some work stuff or something else reasonably productive -or- sit and veg out in front of my computer wasting time on Facebook and other internet randomness. Is it hard to guess what wins more often than not? I mean hey, we all need a little downtime, I'm not ashamed of that. But sometimes I do feel a little bad when I claim I had "no time" to get something done, when technically speaking, the time is probably there. I just don't use every waking moment being productive. These blog posts aren't going to write themselves, you know.

This is not me.

4. I'm great at big picture planning, and suck at short term preparation. I love making plans. I love excel spreadsheets and lists and bullet points and check boxes. I love researching almost anything, especially if it is something I am thinking about buying or using. It is like crack to me. Homeschooling offers me a myriad of ways to feed my researching/overthinking addiction. Seriously, it is a disease. And I make these marvelous, wonderful plans. They look fantastic. So comprehensive, so carefully thought out and well-researched. I'm excited about them, and can't wait to begin implementing. And then I realize it is Monday morning and I have no idea what we are supposed to be doing that day. We needed copies of that appendix page from the math book, printed on card stock and cut out? Oops, nope, didn't do that. We need a wood ramp and a variety of objects to test the effects of friction? Yeah, I had no idea that was today. What book is it we are reading for history? Shoot, I should have requested that from the library... and actually, you know, picked it up. I'm not always a total mess, but I do tend to forget to do the work of preparing for what we're doing in the short term.

5. I was not blessed with excessive amounts of patience. My husband might disagree; he's often told me I am a very patient person. In some ways I suppose that is true, but I am here to tell you, it is a myth that you have to be some sort of patron saint of patience to homeschool your kids. I'm often very impatient, and frustrated. They push back at me in ways I know they would never do to a teacher at school. I can't even imagine David sitting in a classroom with his arms crossed, brow furrowed, looking at Ms. Secondgradeteacher as if she had sprouted a second head for suggesting he practice his spelling words. She would get easy compliance; I get a kid who occasionally makes me want to tear my hair out in frustration. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I overreact. Sometimes I send them to sit on their bed until they decide they would like to cooperate and I threaten to tie them up with duct tape and lock them in a closet. (I wouldn't actually do that, in case that isn't clear). There are moments in homeschooling, heck in parenting, that are hard, plain and simple, and I don't always do the right thing. Sometimes Mommy has to give herself a time out and apologize.

I doubt anyone suspects me of being a perfect parent or a perfect homeschooler. Like everyone else, I'm just doing the best I can. But I know sometimes it helps to hear these little confessions from others - to help us realize that perfection isn't what we're after. So this is a snapshot of my reality, and how I most certainly don't "do it all."